As we approach the New Year, here are a few things I predict we’ll see in 2008:
Now that the surge in Iraq is working, the entire Democratic Party leadership along with the members of MoveOn.Org will issue a formal apology to General David Petraeus for their trying to besmirch his character, basically calling him a lying toady, and trying to pull the rug from under his feet. The New York Times will print this apology in a full-page ad for free.
As regards the New York Times: Noting their declining readership, the publisher and all senior editors will announce a one-year trial program of only reporting the news rather than trying to make it.
Locally, some under-appreciated but very pragmatic engineer at the Washington State Department of Transportation (WSDOT) will set up several 50-gallon fish tanks with water from the areas in which our proposed new ferries will operate. That engineer will then take a small piece of metal directly from the hulls of the newly constructed ferries, paint them exactly as the hulls of the new vessels are painted, and immerse them in said fish tanks. The tanks will then be placed in the offices of senior officials of the WSDOT. Instructions will be prominently posted on each tank saying: "Scientific this ain’t, but when these plates begin rusting away, you’d best start thinking about having these new ferries inspected and repaired. And, even then, don’t expect them to last forever, dammitall."
Members of the Portland (Maine) School Committee will announce that they’re dropping their plan to make birth control pills readily available to students at King Middle School (grades 6-8). Instead, they will revive a long neglected program teaching responsibility, decent behavior, and morals. A spokesperson for the committee will say: "What the hell were we thinking? These students aren’t emotionally ready for sex and we’re just not going to have any part in either encouraging or facilitating it. After all, they’re just kids and it’s high time we adults said so."
Jamie Lynn Spears - Britney’s 16-year-old sister – will come out on all major networks and say to her fans: "Like whatever you do, don’t make the stupid mistake I’ve just made by, like, getting pregnant. It’s so, like, dumb. And, hello, having my sister for an example sure didn’t help either. Like, if I didn’t have a boatload of money to fall back on, I don’t know where I’d be. For sure, I’m not ready for, like, all this motherhood stuff. So, like, don’t look up to me. I have to go now because the police are, like, looking at charging someone with something or other. This is so like something you might want to think about if you’re, like, 16 and things are getting a bit hot and heavy."
Bill Clinton will announce that he’s tired of the spotlight, that it’s Hillary’s race to win or lose, and that all he wants to do is ease into retirement and enjoy the solitude and privacy he believes he’s entitled to.
Honesty in the presidential campaign will take one small step forward when all of the candidates promise to stop using the word "Change" in any political slogan or advertisement. It will be dropped since the candidates will admit that, basically, nothing in D.C. is likely to change - barring a citizens’ revolt - except for the name on the door of the Oval Office.
Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton will issue a joint statement saying that they will henceforth speak in absolute opposition to and utter abhorrence of all hate crimes regardless of the race of the victims. They will make it plain to all that they were mistaken to not have put in an appearance in Baltimore to show their support for Sarah Kreager following the vicious attack recently perpetrated upon her. Too, they will voice their absolute disgust over the gruesome murders of Channon Christian and Christopher Newsom in Knoxville, Tennessee last January. They will state that hatred is not confined to the members of any one race, creed, or religion and will neither stay silent in the face of such atrocities nor confine their condemnation to any single group.
I will never again think harshly of Al Gore for using so much electricity while the earth is in the midst of its death throes.
A major pharmaceutical company will announce that they’ve produced a pill that will smooth wrinkles, reverse baldness, end "E.D.", and add 20 years to current life expectancies. Baby boomers will be ecstatic even though one side effect will be the chance of having all of your teeth fall out at once. The rest of the population will consider the ramifications of having the boomers around for another 20 years and will march as one to the company and burn it to the ground.
And, finally, in the year 2008, pigs will fly.
Happy New Year.
Larry Simoneaux
Biography - Larry Simoneaux
Larry Simoneaux is a regular columnist for The Everett Herald in Washington state. He is a retired ship driver for the US Navy and NOAA.