Topic category:  Other/General

For these reasons, I’ve decided to help. The following, therefore, are warnings that I think would be far more appropriate:

On Coffee Cups: “The coffee you just bought is hot. That’s the way most people drink it, so that’s how we brew it. Stowing this cup between your legs in a moving car may be convenient, but it’s also one sure way to become intimately acquainted with at least one of the laws of heat transfer. We really don’t advise that.”

On Products marked “Made in China”: “We really haven’t really got the hang of this whole inspection and product safety thing yet. It’s one of the reasons we can sell everything so cheaply. Best not be putting anything we make in your bodies just now and, for sure, don’t let your kids lick the toys. We think we’ve taken care of that anti-freeze in the toothpaste issue though. Really sorry about that one.”

On Cigarette Packages: “Can you name a Marlboro Man who’s still alive? Neither can we. We make cigarettes because they’re addictive and profitable - not for their health or restorative properties. There’ve been just about a gazillion studies proving this so, when you get cancer, don’t be too surprised.”

On Seat Belts: “Sure. Forget the seat belt. It’s a pain. Besides, our studies show that you’ve been right all along. In an accident, you will be able to get out far more quickly without them - most likely while the car’s still moving.”

On Mortgages: “Look. This one’s between you and the bank so be sure of the terms. If they’re going to toss money around like it grows on trees and if you’re going to pretend you can afford doing the same, then don’t look to the government or the taxpayers to pick up the pieces when it all comes crashing down.”

On Motorcycles: “Cars have four wheels. Motorcycles have two. Cars are stable. Motorcycles are catapults. Cars outweigh motorcycles by a bunch. We think you can figure it out from here.”

On IRS Forms: “Don’t ask us. We don’t understand the things either. Call three agents, get three answers. Get hold of the bozos who make these rules and vote them the heck out of office. Maybe then, we can get some sense in the system. Don’t hold your breath though.”

On Guns: “OK. Since you ‘know’ the gun isn’t loaded and you’re going to pull the trigger without checking, at least point the end with the small, round hole away from everyone. This, of course, includes yourself.”

On Hair Dryers: “If you want to bathe with something, go get a rubber duck.”

On Condoms: “Let’s see if we’ve got this straight. With all we know about AIDS, HIV, and several other gawdawful diseases, you’re going to bet the ranch on a piece of latex?”

On Ladders: “If you’re going to stand above this step, you’d better have a set of wings sprouting from your back. If you don’t, you’ll probably have them soon.”

On Toasters: “Insert knife or fork here. Hurts, doesn’t it? Bet you’re not going to do that again, are you?”

On Power Tools: “Remember when you hit your thumb with a hammer or attached your finger to the paper with a stapler? Remember when you sliced the web of your hand with a saw? Well, power tools are made so that all of the above happen one heck of a lot quicker. Pay attention!”

On Alcohol Bottles: “Pregnant? How about a nice soda instead? You weigh a hundred and something pounds and you know what booze does to you. What if you only weighed 2 or 3 pounds and had yet to see the light of day? How about a twist of lime with that soda?”

Again, on Alcohol Bottles: “Thinking about driving later? How about doing us all a big favor? Before going into the bar, park your car clear across the freeway. When you’re finished for the evening, run to it. No, don’t bother looking. Take the hit for the rest of us.”

And, finally:

On most politicians’ foreheads: “Space for rent to highest bidder. Unfurnished. All bids accepted.”

Do take heed of that last.

Larry Simoneaux

Biography - Larry Simoneaux

Larry Simoneaux is a regular columnist for The Everett Herald in Washington state. He is a retired ship driver for the US Navy and NOAA.