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"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." - John 8:32
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Author:  Larry Simoneaux
Bio: Larry Simoneaux
Date:  February 10, 2008
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Topic category:  Other/General

Mudrock on Abercrombie & Fitch.

I’d seen the posters on the Internet. The ones that recently got the manager of an Abercrombie & Fitch store in Virginia Beach arrested on a misdemeanor obscenity charge that was later dropped.

One had several young men running around half naked and another had a young girl minus her blouse. You know, dressed like we always used to dress while we were running around at that age.

I guess I’m a bit behind the times on things like this and realized I needed help. I knew there was only one person I could turn to.

I found Mudrock, my personal muse, fooling around with his beyond all help ’68 Mustang.

“What are you doing now, Mudrock?”

“Bolting on a set of used aircraft landing lights.”

“Good grief. Those things are for lighting up runways on final approach. Why are you mounting them on your Mustang?”

“High beams.”

“High beams?”

“You havin’ trouble hearin’ Lar, or can’t you follow a simple sentence anymore?”

Mudrock’s a bit short on patience with those who can’t pick up whatever thread of logic he’s cast before them – however indirect and tenuous said logic might be.

“I heard you, but what do landing lights have to do with high beams?”

“I’ve about had it with people not dimmin’ their headlights when they’re comin’ at me. Can’t see nothin’ but spots after one of them folks go by.

“I’ve run up against that a time or two myself.”

“Well, next time it happens, they’re gonna learn all about candlepower.”


“Yep. I hit this switch an’ a couple million candlepower are goin’ to see their high beams and raise them some. I reckon that’ll get ‘em to dim their headlights.”

“I have to admit it has a certain gut level attractiveness to it, but the police might have something to say about your causing a super nova on the highway.”

“You reckon they might object?”

“Mudrock, they’d probably empty their ticket book on you, but I didn’t come here to talk about high beams. I need to ask you about Abercrombie & Fitch.”

“Good bunch of outfitters. Bought a decent fly rod from them once.”

“Uh, when was the last time you were in one of their stores?”

“Been a while. Their prices on castin’ gear goin’ up?”

“I’m almost afraid to tell you that they’ve gone completely over to casual clothes, colognes and perfumes and, these days, about the only ‘casting’ being done in their stores are the longing glances from the models in their posters.”

“What’s that you sayin’?”

“Well, they’re completely out of hunting and camping and, if you go by their ads, some of their models are just about out of their clothes.”

“Can’t be.”

“Afraid so, Mudrock. Fact is, a couple of years ago they published a catalog that would’ve made some girlie magazines jealous. People got a bit upset and the company pulled it because of the uproar. They still haven’t learned their lesson though. Just recently, they sent out some posters that got one of their managers arrested on obscenity charges.”

“What kind of posters?”

“The kind wherein the models were displaying more skin than clothes.”

“Sounds like the crowd that runs the place could use a bit of remindin’ on what’s respectable an’ proper - especially when it’s aimed at our kids.”

“So what should I do?”

“Easy, Lar. Don’t buy from ‘em. Shouldn’t be hard since your wardrobe mostly runs to heavy wools and hunter orange. But you’ve got a daughter an’ a grandkid an’ you can make a point of never settin’ foot in there to get ‘em anythin’ at all. Then you could write an’ tell the honchos why.”

“Think it’d do any good?”

“The way things are goin’ nowadays, likely not. But you’d probably feel a lot better unloadin’ on ‘em. Might catch their attention though if they got a couple more letters from parents an’ grandparents tellin’ ‘em to knock it off.”

“Think you might write a letter?”

“Might do that jus’ to remind them that Mr. Abercrombie an’ Mr. Fitch never had to worry about obscenity charges when they advertised.”

“Can’t argue that one.”

“Now that we got that one solved, I guess I should rethink these landin’ lights even though they’d have given me a good dose of satisfaction.”

“Just before some fool you’d blinded hit you head on.”

“Knock it off, Lar. I’ve done given in. Now go write that letter.”

Larry Simoneaux

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Biography - Larry Simoneaux

Larry Simoneaux is a regular columnist for The Everett Herald in Washington state. He is a retired ship driver for the US Navy and NOAA.

Read other commentaries by Larry Simoneaux.

Copyright © 2008 by Larry Simoneaux
All Rights Reserved.

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